Monkey Cult: Scary Myth, Or Scarier Truth?


Ayden Morales and Steven Bello

Monkey Cult: Scary Myth, or Scarier Truth?

Editor’s Note:  This story is part of The Eagle’s Cry new HUMOR section. In this brand-new section, we will focus on light-hearted, humorous takes on current issues. WARNING: SATIRE LIES AHEAD.


It is no secret that this Earth is home to a plethora of oddities, inconsistencies, and inexplicable occurrences. We still have no clue why certain processes happen, or even how. There are entire undiscovered peoples in remote sections of the jungle, the ocean has barely been explored, and we don’t even understand many processes that drive life as we know it. It has come to my attention that there may be a WorldWide organization governed entirely by hominids, but not of the sapien variety.

An organization shrouded in mystery, their exact intentions and beliefs elude us, but it appears as if these monks just want some naners (bananas). They tend to spend their days monkeying around, and we have exclusive insider information on these “creatures”. It is hard for us to find and locate these simians but many people have reported sightings on the outskirts of rural areas, some even in cities. Absolutely bone-chilling.The leader is supposed to be some kind of prehistoric monkey that has blonde hair and looks very different from the soldiers in the troop known as “The Black Apes”. He is extremely powerful, some even compared him to Napoleon and roman war heroes. Rumours state that he is hundreds of years old. Sightings have been reported all over the world but most have been reported at the island known as ”Yara” a land floating deep in the dark pacific that isn’t too far away from the tropical paradise Hawaii. 

 You may be wondering if these hominids are dangerous, violent, or aggressive like silverbacks? We do not have much evidence that will prove if their tendencies are malicious or civilized, but we recommend you maintain your distance, after all they are wild creatures that are smarter and more hardened than your average sapien. We have evidence that they are running an entire underworld satanic cult/organization that has plans to destroy the free world. They might even have access to nuclear warheads and other potentially apocalyptic weapons. 

Overall at the end of the day we do not mean to scare you we are just warning you of the ominous organization that imposes a serious threat upon the civilized world. The ¨Monkey Cult¨may very well be the bane of existence, but it’s imperative we combat this force with humanity and togetherness, there is no room to monkey around.I agree, this phenomenon is bananas.