Good evening attendees and staff members of Bethpage High School. We have gathered you to this website today to say farewell, eulogizing our love for you and this school. Farewell to The Eagle’s Cry, newspaper club, and every event our editorial team attended without welcome. 

As a group of intellectuals who refuse to play devil’s advocate, we are sorry to see so many sensitive souls fail to understand the fine art of satire. Our legacy will be treasured only by those who wasted their time funneling hate into every ounce of what we wrote. 

Foremost, we would like to thank Mr. Malossi for awarding us this platform. Without his perpetual encouragement and journalistic expertise we would not have been able to accomplish this much in nine months. 

Thank you to the American government for granting us our First Amendment right to freedom of the press, so we could voice our problematic (but always correct) beliefs. 

Thank you to the individuals who express their dissatisfaction with our articles. We truly appreciate your endless comments under emails that you thought were anonymous. Shoutout to Euripides and Brutus!

Most importantly, thank you to our dedicated readers who thoroughly enjoyed our articles that sparked an unnecessary amount of controversy. It deeply saddens our “headitors” to leave such an esteemed newspaper (which sometimes accumulated only 10 viewers a week…clearly, future writers and headitors need to do a better job of promotion, most likely on the BHS News).

It is a true shame that such new, bold talent will suffer as our headitors part ways, finding new, but separate stages for their opinions. The Eagle’s Cry may never find such passionate fulfillment again by a team of such goodhearted, humble, willing to listen, earnest writers who have just begun to find their footing. 

Sadly, it is time to sign off for good. Some of you will be sad to see us graduate, while others exhale sighs of relief. Regardless of your reaction, we are truly heartbroken to leave The Eagle’s Cry. We’ll see you on the other side… actually, hopefully not.

Ed. Note: What even is “the other side,” that’s so ominous.